How to help a child be happy in friendship, love and other relationships?

Perhaps you are wondering, “Why doesn’t my child have friends?”, “Why does my child or teenager have such low self-esteem?”, or are worried that your child or teenager is having difficulty socializing?

If you want to understand how to help your child or teen build healthy relationships, you'll need to talk about personal boundaries.

These personal boundaries again!

There is a tendency now (or maybe it has always been like this, and this is a normal mechanism) when some psychological terms or definitions come out to the masses, and everyone uses them as they want, adapting them to suit themselves.

Today you disagreed with someone, sticking to your own opinion - and now you are a toxic narcissist, who “just wants to disagree” and who “always thinks only of himself”. Yesterday you got angry at the imposed inappropriate conditions - and now you are an abuser, “can’t you just say it calmly?”

Why do I think this tendency is perhaps a normal mechanism? Because when a person learns something new for himself, he uses it where it is necessary and where it is not necessary, as if trying it on in different situations - whether it suits him or not. (Subtly violating someone else's boundaries somewhere )))

I also like the comparison of this mechanism to a pendulum, as in Françoise Dolto's book On the Child's Side.

At the beginning of the book, she writes that in the old (I would like to add “and dark”) times, childhood was not particularly valued by humanity. It was believed that while you are a child, you are subhuman, not a person, there is no reason to respect you yet. And that means that I, your adult, can allow myself anything. You can be my servant, you can be my toy. For now, you are just an object for me. No one will say a word to me if I use any physical, emotional or sexual violence against you, because this is a common thing.

It took a long time before people realized that this was not right and that childhood was a very important stage in becoming an adult.

“And the pendulum swung the other way ,” writes Françoise.

People have begun to extol childhood excessively, child-centered families have emerged, where the child becomes the center of the family universe, as a result of which a healthy hierarchy is disrupted. The child becomes the main one. In an attempt to listen to the child's needs, the responsibility is given to him to decide for EVERYONE. For example, where the family will go on vacation, where they will live, what they will eat, etc.

As a result, the child takes on the role of an adult (and an adult in the family is someone who is able to process his own needs and the needs of another), and the parents take on the role of children who are obedient to their “adult,” giving responsibility for their lives, for their state, physical or emotional. Naturally, this is beyond the child’s capabilities, he cannot cope and remains guilty.

“It’s because of you that we went to Palace Square and not to the cinema, and now you’re whining!”

"It's because of you that I got so angry that I had to hit you! It's your own fault, don't push me!"

But the unbearable burden of responsibility for an adult or one’s own super-value for parents also destroys the child’s body – both mentally and physically, as does the devaluation of childhood and the child’s personality.

(This is not a direct quote, by the way. This is what I remembered from the beginning of the book “On the Child’s Side,” diluted with my personal judgments and professional observations.)

Perhaps, moving from the extreme of disrespect for childhood to the extreme of exalting childhood was the only way to change something. And now the task of humanity is to find a point between the two extremes - with respect for childhood and the tasks of age development, but without fanaticism. Where adults and children - each in their place (and this, by the way, is about personal boundaries, among other things).

I return to the first thought that some terms are now used indiscriminately and often inappropriately.

Perhaps, in order to get out of the extreme of not understanding yourself in a relationship (“it’s fine as it is; there’s a person nearby, it’s already good; God endured and told us to”), you first need to go to the other extreme (“everything is wrong; everything is not suitable; everyone is an abuser and narcissist”), so that there is space for something in between (“what I like and what I don’t; what I want and what I don’t want; what you are ready to put up with and what you are not; here you went too far, but here everything is fine”).

So, about the boundaries.

Boundaries are when there is me and there is another, and between us there is an imaginary line/fence (insert whatever you like to divide). We are not one whole, we are different people.

Personal boundaries are my space, my territory, my world, physical and mental.

Some people change their expression and voice with irritation when they hear about personal boundaries. They explain their irritation by the “fashion in psychology” or by the fact that the term is used too often and inappropriately (hello, pendulum mechanism) — like, no matter what you do now, you’ll violate all your personal boundaries.

Well, in general, yes!

In our communication, we really do violate each other's boundaries every now and then and let others violate ours. Literally in small things.

For example, when a child needs to be given an injection, and he, naturally, is against it, you have to give the injection without his consent, violating his boundaries, both physical and mental.

The adult has to make such a choice, understanding that the child will be upset/offended/angry/scared.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry that you have to go through this, but it’s necessary for your health,” I told my then one-year-old son when I needed to remove snot from his nose with a snot aspirator.

When my partner asks me to close the window because he is cold, and I feel stuffy at that moment, he intends to go beyond my boundaries. I, in case of consent, voluntarily move them.

Or when a two-year-old jumps on his tired mother, hugs her, kisses her, and out of a need for attention and affection, violates the boundary between himself and his mother. “Well, I want it now, so that means my mother wants it too!” It is normal for little ones not to separate their needs into their own and their mother’s.

Does this mean that these boundaries should not exist? Does this mean that we don’t even have to operate with such a concept as “personal boundaries” and not think about them if we violate them every now and then in everyday life?

No.

Whether you like it or not, your boundaries and the boundaries of another person exist, even without your desire. You just either feel them, or you don’t, or not very much, and not always.

The boundaries of another can be really annoying.

For example, to irritate those who have no experience of taking these boundaries into account, feeling them, keeping them in mind. For those who are more accustomed to using only their own power, to see a person as an object that needs to be influenced. For example, a parent who believes that he still has and should have a great influence on a teenager. To force him to obey, to force him to fulfill his duties, to force the teenager to think the same way as he, the parent, to adhere to his values, his worldview.

"I don't want to think all the time about what I can say to my child and what I can't, what I can do to him and what I can't! What the hell, maybe I should kiss his ass too?!"

But the thing is that if there is no boundary between me and another, then it is as if no one has boundaries. If I do not want to take into account the boundaries of another, then this means that I do not “sense” my own.

There is no division between us, which means that our territory is, as it were, common.

What about the rules then, if the territory is one for two (at least)? Whose rules are taken into account, and whose are not?

In such cases, in a parent-child pair, whoever is stronger is right. Because a parent and a child are not equal in status, strength, and capabilities. A child is a priori weaker than an adult, which is why he needs an adult and depends on him. Therefore, the rules in this common territory are set by an adult, and the child, if he wants to survive, is forced to obey everything that the adult dictates.

Here it is important for me to make a reservation. An adult is an adult in order to take responsibility for certain decisions and dictate certain rules. These are mainly the rules that are related to safety: do not stick metal objects into electrical sockets, do not cross the road on a red light, return home by a certain time, do not drink/smoke/take drugs, and so on.

In families where boundaries are not recognized or felt, children do not get angry at their parents (they do not admit it openly or even in their thoughts), because the parent does not like it, they read it as disrespect/attacks on their personality. In order not to be expelled or rejected, the child adapts to the condition of being on (sort of) common territory - not to anger dad or mom. But it is impossible to cut off anger from oneself, so such a child chooses to redirect this anger. Maybe at a brother or sister, maybe at pets, maybe at peers. Violating their boundaries, in turn. But the saddest thing is when a child or teenager cuts themselves, disrespects and scolds themselves, devalues ​​and criticizes. Thus directing anger at themselves - engaging in self-flagellation and self-harm.

In families where boundaries are not recognized or not felt, children are the target of negative feelings, even those that may have arisen in communication with another person (boss, colleague, neighbor, husband/wife) - anger, resentment, guilt, shame, fear. Because the child is part of my territory. And on my territory, I do whatever I want. In such cases, the child turns from a living, growing person into a container for the feelings of an adult, accepting the flow into himself, thereby helping the adult cope with his flow.

In families where boundaries are not recognized or felt, children learn to try not to inconvenience their parent, to try to guess his mood in order to adjust. In short, they try to comply in all available ways: not to show off, to agree to everything without discrimination, to accept his opinions/beliefs.

- Izya, go home immediately!

- Mom, am I cold?

- No, Izya, you want to eat!

In families where boundaries are not recognized or felt, children learn to listen to adults, but not to themselves.

By the way, it is not without reason that I write “parent” in the singular. Most often, in such a married couple, both have blurred boundaries, but one adapts to the other. As a result, in such a family, in fact, the entire territory is the territory of someone, to whom all other family members adapt. This person can be either mom or dad. And sometimes both grandmother and grandfather, both aunt and uncle.

By the way, here too: in families where boundaries are not recognized or not felt, the child, growing up, adopts the model of one of his adults - being in a couple (and later in a family), he either makes everything his territory, where the rules are mainly his, or adapts to the other, to his values, opinions, following his choices and decisions.

How to understand your personal boundaries?

Discover yourself - your feelings, your opinions, your needs, your values.

This can be done in relationships with anyone. While the child is growing, parents are responsible for this - helping him to discover himself. The child's personal boundaries develop, first of all, in child-parent relationships.

In order for a child to have the opportunity to listen to his own feelings, formulate his opinion, and recognize his needs, he must have his own territory for this.

When I say "territory", I mean both physical real territory and mental territory.

The real physical territory includes:

• First of all, the body.

This is physical, personal, inviolable territory. All corporal punishment (slapping, hitting with something, pushing, grabbing) is a violation of boundaries. All hugs, kisses and other touches to the body, at a time when the owner of the body does not want these touches, are a violation of boundaries.

Here, tension very often arises between parent and child in families where boundaries are not recognized or felt. The parent wants to show (or receive?) tenderness, but the child does not want it now. The parent gets offended (or rather, reacts from that part of themselves that had the experience of rejection/abandonment at a young age), and most likely the child will make a choice in favor of not offending mom or dad, but in doing so will sacrifice themselves, their skill of listening to themselves and understanding “what about me? Do I want it or not?”

Also related to the physical territory is the understanding of “I’m cold or hot”, “I’m hungry or full”, “I’m very tired or just a little bit”.

For example, I am one of those parents who, when they are cold, will definitely put two sweaters and three pairs of socks on their child.

“If I’m cold, then so is he!” (almost like in the joke above, about Izya).

This is despite the fact that my son is now 10 years old, not two, and he can understand for himself whether he is cold or not. I have to remind myself almost every time with an effort of will that we are separate people with different temperature regulation. Fortunately, this cannot go unnoticed. When I am fine, my son usually breaks out in a light sweat at this time.

By the way, my mother did the same with me and does the same with her grandchildren. And it's good, after all, that psychological heredity is a little easier than genetic.

• Your own corner in the house where you can be alone with yourself, at least for a while.
• Your own supplies: school supplies, hygiene supplies, toys, clothes, shoes, etc.

The mental territory includes:

• Own needs.

For example, in safety - when I live in my family with the confidence that I will not be left in a difficult situation, will not be thrown out of the house, will not be left without food/water/sleep, will not be beaten, will not be killed. For many children, threats of one or all of these are enough for them to not feel safe within their family.

And also many of their other needs (for acceptance, tenderness, closeness, separateness, recognition and respect) in families where boundaries are not recognized or not felt, are difficult for a child to recognize.

Because at that moment he serves the parent's need. For example, in recognition and respect. And then the child has to constantly confirm the authority and right of the adult to their entire, so to speak, common territory, and therefore the right to manage his, the child's, life. The psychology of teenagers is such that they, on the contrary, should question the authority of their adult. But for some teenagers, challenging such a parent is terribly scary, like death. They would rather choose to remain a child in order to continue to confirm the authority of their adult. At 30, at 40, and even when that adult has already died. Or they find a partner whose authority and right to territory they can confirm in the same way as they once did to their adult.

• Values
• Tastes
• Views
• Opinions

The child must also have space for his own decisions, choices and meeting the consequences of his decisions and choices.

The older the child becomes, the more of this space he has. Parental restrictions are needed mainly where there is a real threat to life or health.

Why are personal boundaries important?

A child in whose family boundaries are recognized and felt can argue with parents, defending his opinion, and can express his dissatisfaction or anger if his territory is encroached upon.

A child whose family recognizes and feels boundaries has a healthy egoism because he knows how to listen to himself.

A child in whose family boundaries are recognized and felt may sincerely apologize because he may feel that he has entered someone else's territory.

A child in whose family boundaries are recognized and felt can calmly ask for help and express gratitude with the word “thank you” or some other adequate equivalent, without the painful desire to add a wagon of something else as a gift.

A child whose family recognizes and feels boundaries grows up to be able to be in a truly close relationship with a partner or friend. Without merging into a single boundless whole and without keeping a partner or friend at a great distance. More precisely, he knows how to merge and then distance himself, depending on the circumstances and his needs.

A child whose family recognizes and feels boundaries grows up to be able to use his power and his rights. The power and the right to decide something for himself, to choose for himself. The right and the power to be on his territory, to let in only those he wants and not to let in those he doesn't want.

A child whose family recognizes and feels boundaries grows up to be able to divide responsibility into his own and someone else's. He does not need to be an all-powerful savior for all the disadvantaged, humiliated and rejected. He knows what he can do and what someone else can do, and does not take on too much.

The reality is that if you can give your children at least 2-3 of these points, that's already great, there's hope for psychological health. The rest they'll have to cultivate in themselves, going through their own difficult path of growing up.

I hear the eternal question: “What should we do?”

Drawing conclusions, choosing what suits you and what doesn’t suit you from what you’ve read, making a decision based on what you’ve chosen, facing the consequences of your decisions is your job, your responsibility, and mine is to help discover what was previously undiscovered or didn’t want to be discovered.

But I can only set the direction.

If it is important for you to understand something about what personal boundaries were/are in your family, then answer the following questions (as honestly as possible, of course, otherwise what is the point):

• How did you choose your profession/place of study/husband/wife? Whose choice was it? And if it was your choice, but a little "out of spite", then whose opinion did you go against? Why did you need to go against this person's opinion?

• What happens to you when your child disagrees with you?

• How do you feel when your child expresses disagreement with irritation? Or with outright anger? Have you ever seen your child openly angry with you?

• How were you allowed to express your disagreement in your parental family?

• What happens to you when your child wants to decide his own life issues, without your opinion/participation?

• What happens to you when the door to your child's room is closed?

• What do you feel when you want to hug/be affectionate/talk to your child right now, but he doesn’t show any desire in return, trying to slip away or delicately moves aside? And what if he tells you “leave me alone”?

• In your family of origin, did you choose not to offend/upset your parents or were you able to be “impudent”, “selfish”?

• What happens to you when you see how you are similar to your child? Are there any differences (find a few points, besides the obvious ones, like gender, eye/hair/skin color)? How do you start to feel when you discover the differences?

If you recognize yourself somewhere in this article, it is a coincidence. The phrases, queries, descriptions of situations given in the text are collective images.